Marykami_Youkai's Xanga

Rockin'

Fri, 08 May 2009 04:41:30 GMT

Found my old xanga...what a mess haha. Well let's see...what can I talk about?

First off, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN NEARLY A YEAR SINCE MY LAST ENTRY! I was looking though all these notes and I barfed in mah baggy...was I really this pathetic over a girl? AHAHA!!!

I'm a lot different now, and it's been going swell. Ah..if anyone needs me...holla back on FACEBOOK...but I'll try and keep ppl posted over here.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 01:09:18 GMT

Ah....i'm sick AGAIN.

I wonder if it's because I hardly sleep nowadays. I suppose I should be gettin somemore, but I just don't get tired as easily anymore. Anyway, i'm doing a lot better now, I don't feel so hurt anymore. It's probably because I'm focused on other things. My dancing, my schoolwork, my family, AND BEING 18!
Lots of people I know aren't taking advantage of being 18. Geeze guys, you really oughta!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 15:23:49 GMT

The best part about it, is that I'm HAPPY

In the end, that's all that really matters. I can't believe I'm saying this but I truely love my stepdad for his wisdom. Sometimes it takes a real beatdown for things to sink in haha. Let's just say I know a lot more than I did yesterday, the day before that, but a lot less today compared to what I'll know tomorrow.

It's a really weird place where my heart is right now. It's kinda like being in some type of dream state, where if I stay asleep or wake up I wouldn't mind it either way. People live on, people choose their own ways to live on. For me, it's a secret haha. I enjoy the training which gets my mind off of thinking too much, I enjoy thinking because it allows me to reflect upon what I need to do. There really isn't a right or wrong to the choices I've got, it's just "my" choice, and so I feel good about that.

Am I confusing you? I hope so hahaha...

"I understand everything now, and even if I don't get exactly what I want, it's ok because I've become a better person than I once was."

Agito

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 23:36:11 GMT

Heads up! today i'm feeling very grand!

Thanks Riku for cheering me up! =D
Thanks Sarah for keeping me in check xD

AND THATS EVERYONE ELSE! You're all just too awesome for words!

Tomorrow I should be going to Oedipus's house with Captain and one of the 3 ugly witches (hahha inside joke), we're doing a Macbeth project and I'm stoked for it! ^_^

Agito

Mochi: Ah...Hamtaro ka?
Hamtaro: Kyuu! Mochi sama! Daijoubu desu ka?
Mochi: Ano....eh..maa maa deshita ^_^

Road to Recovery: 28%

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 15:41:27 GMT

I don't know why but last night I felt really afraid and terrified.

Sometimes you get this feeling in your gut, where you feel like something is really wrong. That's how I felt last night after my friends left the house. I don't know, I felt like something was wrong, like someone I knew got hurt or is going to get hurt or is in some kind of trouble. I kinda got that feeling again somewhere in the middle of the night, I woke up in a cold sweat and was looking around my room for something, but the funny thing was that I was still half asleep, and I could feel myself looking around and mumbling words.

I could just be imagining things, but I felt so afraid...

Well something else weird is happening to me too. I don't really know how to put this....uhm...I guess you could say that the pervertedness inside of me is dimming. I just...can't seem to get all in that "feeling" anymore. You know, everybody once i a while thinks about something "dirty" or "hot" that makes em wanna just go "unf" or something. Yeah well I...I was thinking about something, but then something in my head and heart just couldn't do it. I felt like there was nothing good or fun about it. I couldn't do anything. I'm trying to make this sound serious but to you it probably sounds funny. *sigh*....thoughts about sex and stuff..it's just....not the same right now since my break up...I don't even want to think about sex let alone consider it...or self pleasure. It's like ...I just can't feel anything good of it anymore. I sometimes feel myself cringe at the thought now...and kinda wanna barf.

I hope it's a phase..if ever I fall in love again I don't want to barf or get cold feet during something like that haha.

Today...I don't know...I feel very out of place.

Agito

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 23:24:26 GMT

Well Today officially makes this a crappy segment of my life.

I guess I'm like basically over the whole krys and chipmunk thing, but today I saw them after school, and he was touchin her and so on so on, basic boyfriend things. I remember when I'd try to do that, Krys would get mad at me for it. Well duh, I guess because I'm a girl, but since he's a guy, she lets him.
I dunno, I think what bugs me the most about it, is that guys can do anything with a girl, but if a girl wanted to do anything for someone, it's taken so weirdly by others. I mean me and him do almost exactly the same things, so I'm happy for her and all cuz he's like me...so he must be a nice guy...but he gets to places faster than me, and it's tormenting my mind. I never did enjoy that I was limited because I'm a girl. It always ust made me feel weak.

Sometimes I just wish I knew why things are difficult for people like me...the lesbians and bisexuals and gays. All we want, is someone to love and love us in return. We want to be able to do all the things a normal couple does. But it's hard because in the eyes of others, we're not normal.
I sometimes can't figure out what it is that makes me do stupid things. Maybe because part of me still feels like I can't adapt to the lifestyle. My stepfather...my ex girlfriend....I dunno sometimes they just swirl around in my head, I get all upset and confused and angry. I hate the feeling. But I just want to find a way to make things better now. So well, even if I don't get forgiven...at least I can try and say "sorry".

Agito

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 03:57:08 GMT

Today I woke up, and saw the charm bracelet Krystle gave me last year...

Krys: Now keep this with you, it's for good luck!
Mary: Ok *smiles* I'll wear it all the time at convention, I'll miss you.
Krys: I'll miss you too.

It was a nice memory, I gave the bracelet a kiss in remembrance of my ex. I miss her dearly, too bad she's gone now. Thing's change.

~~~

I went shopping at Target today, and Sarah helped me buy some sweaters. =) Thanks all I have to say about that! HAHA

Loves,
Agito

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 15:38:44 GMT

I've spent most of my high school life trying to get with Krys, and when I did it felt short lived. Like it just came and went really fast.
The memories are still intact. I still care deeply for the girl I fell in love with. But now there's so much I need to accomplish, and I'm movnig at the speed of light. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking of the "what ifs" and the "I hopes" and the "I wish" or the "shoulda woulda coulda". And when I find myself doing this the pain slowly rises, and I sigh...as always...to the beat of my sorrows.
Well, now it's almost like a dream, like a really great fantasy that turned into a nightmare at the last minute and then POOF....I woke up. Huh...this could be a good sonnet. Anyway I guess what I mean is that it's not easy to move on, but it's POSSIBLE. I can't help that in the back of my heart I'll be thinking of what could have been, but here I am...alive...full of youth and vitality and ambition. If this isn't what Krys wanted in a lover then it's a 99.99% chance that she's not what I wanted either. I loved her because from the start to the middle we had many things in common, but knowing that she was being straight with me, hiding me from the world, and keeping our love a secret while she pretended to act single and presumed to be straight in the eyes of society...well....you can only imagine how hard it was for me to watch.
I want someone who will treat me with the respect and love that I know I'm worth. I want someone I can love and devote my heart to without knowing they want to keep it a secret. There are so many women...and men out there who are willing to give 5 times more than Krys, and if Krys was meant to be with me then in the future she'd have to do 5 times more than any other person I've become attached to by the threads of fate. The chances of Krys realizing how great I truely am as a person will most likely never come to light, so here's my last bit of sphiel..

" This is my life...my story...and you're not part of the future pages of my life anymore. But if you think somewhere along your own story, that you find we were meant to be in the same book...then you better find a way to catch up with me...because I'm moving foward. "

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 23:14:56 GMT

It's not "giving up" it's "moving on"

I would often think that...if I stopped feeling the way I do about Krys, I'd end up losing her entirely. I pledged that I would never let her go. In the end, I had to, she found someone else.
I mourned for a month or two...and the pain hasn't subsided...because I refused to believe this relationship was over since she uttered the words "we're done." I sometimes think about that last night before she left...the last time I held her in my arms and reflected on the memories. I recalled the day I asked her out, the rain and the smell, and the smile on her face when she said yes. I remember working out and her showing up at my door because she missed me, and bringing me flowers and tea when I was sick. When she would make me food and comfort me when my family hurt me the most. I remember our first kiss to the song 'Passion' by Utada Hikaru. My heart was beating so fast, and yet...it felt so good. So many thoughts ran through my head, and time was short because she had to go. I knew that I would hurt so much more, when she found Alvin....I nearly broke down inside.

For the longest time I was filled with so much pain and anger, jealousy, envy, revenge. All the feelings that fueled me when I was in the ghetto. I felt as if I were slipping..fading back into my dark self. Even now, I still feel so much pain knowing that he's the one kissing her and making her smile...giving her all those warm feelings that I used to do. It drove me mad, I couldn't eat, sleep, think at all. I was letting him get the best of me. Both of them were getting the best of me.
I know...I'm better than him...and I know I deserve so much more than all this pain. But what keeps me from letting go and moving on is not the fact that I'm just still in love with Krys, but also the fact that I'm afraid I won't be that special someone if every last bit of that kind of love disappears.
I was told many times that her feelings just aren't the same as mine, but I was so convinced that somewhere deep down in her she still loved me like I love her. For all we know...she could too still love me.

I sit here now....somewhat broken...hurt and lost. I don't want to feel this pain anymore but I know it's part of life and there will be so many more in the future. Maybe some worse than this. Only if I choose to fall in love again. In time, I think I'll be able to let someone into my heart, and maybe if it was meant to be...Krys will come back. But I can't stake my life on that, she knows I love her so much...and I know what we shared was something special and that nobody could replace it.

Our love is like a compass (the kind you use to draw circles with), no matter how far apart the pencil and the needle are, they're always connected in some way, and find their way back to eachother because they trace a circle...and circles never end.

No matter where I go or where Krys goes, that connection we've made with eachother is sacred and beautiful, no matter how far apart, that kind of bond is unbreakable. It's the kind of bond that brings us closer than anyone else in our lives could get. She is to me, someone I could never replace, nor ever want to, she is someone I've loved and cherished and will always love and cherish until my last breath. If you love someone, let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back.

If she doesn't, then that is fine, because we're a compass love. And Krystle is someone I've shared so many fond memories with.

"I love you Krystle, and I always will. But I can't wait for you and let life pass me by. So for the final time in this life, I'm going to put away the box that holds my feelings for you, and put it somewhere deep in the hidden part of my heart. It'll be there, waiting for you, loving you. I will always love you. And if you ever need me I will come at the speed of sound for you. I've lost you, not only because the love faded, but I caused it to fade. If I had the chance to turn back time, to change things....I'd only change how much I've hurt you and made you cry. I've been here waiting to be yours since 9th grade, and I've finally got the chance to be, and I blew it. Now, with so much to do and so much in my life, I can't keep waiting outside your door for you to lead me into the real world.
Krystle...you've shown me that I could be better ....and I will be better. I want to show you just how great I can be so that when you see me you know you were with a winner. I've let people stop me from doing things, and I've let myself stop me too. I wasn't as strong as I made myself out to be. In the end you left, and now I've only got my future ahead.
I plan to fufill my dreams, travel around the world and fill myself with knowledge and power. When the time comes when we see each other again, I'll smile and hold you close. Because I know you are someone important, and someone I could never forget. Krystle...you will always be my Kimchi Kano....my baby...my boo..and no one will ever take that away and I will never call anyone else the names I've called you nor share the memories i've shared with you. Until we meet again, you will always be my first true love, and part of me will be waiting for you. Goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you..."

Love,
Mary

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 00:02:00 GMT

Pop Lock....AND DROP IT!

Siigh....I'm trying to focus my energy into dance and martial arts (aikido) but it's difficult. maybe I need some me time. I'm trying to focus on other things and maintain something important all at once.
I refuse to let go of what I feel, but I'll leave it be in the dark for now. I don't want to ruin Krys's relationship with Alvin, but I know I'm better than him in all ways except one (I don't have a chunk of skin jutting from my crotch). I'm twice the man he'll ever be! FIVE TIMES THE MAN HE'LL EVER BE! Besides....I'm way cooler and more outgoing than him too ahaha! Also SPANKIN' and FRESSHH

I guess my friends like him though, but well, whatever. I'll rise above it. I got a lot ahead of me now. I keep slipping but I'm not forgetting what my goals are. Gunna change for myself and no one else.

SURVEY

Seven Deadly Sins Survey

Wrath
Who did you last get angry with?
A chipmunk....

What is your weapon of choice?
Swords and Hands

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
No duh

How about the same sex?
Depends

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Krystle

What is your pet peeve?
Uh ...kindness

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Depends how powerful the thing that happened was

Sloth
What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't?
Meditate..and eat

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
12 PM

Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Thuy

What is the last lame excuse that you made?
I have to go to San Francisco cuz I forgot my pencils... (lol inside joke)

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
A few times

How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?
This morning? None

Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
V8 lol

Are you a meat eater?
Yawp

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Uh 13 shots and 3 cups

Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
Yeah..not so much my eating

Do you enjoy candy and sweets?
Not much anymore

Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
Depends on my mood

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
WTF....lolz no

Greed
How many credit cards do you own?
0

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Give some to my family then stash away the rest

Would you rather be rich or famous?
Hmm.....rich

Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
Nope

Pride
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
My poetry

What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
I have common sense

What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
Be very well-known

Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not really

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Once

Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
yes

What did you do today that you're proud of?
I meditated xD

Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
One

How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
One

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
LOL sometimes

What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
Eyes and lips

Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?
Like all at once? No....

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Huh....I think once in vegas xD

Envy
What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Tallness

Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Eh dunno...

If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
Mary A. Guillermo

Have you ever been cheated on?
Yep...burns like hell

Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Yes

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Brilliance

What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often?
Envy

Do you do the least often?
Greed

Is your favorite to act on?
Pride